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16 July 2011

Mind Games

I'm playing mind games with myself.  I've always been a fairly anxious person. I'm always trying to think of the worst case scenarios.  I remember being at my graduation looking up to the stage and thinking of all the places I might potentially trip and embarrass myself between my seat and the Vice-Chancellor.

I think I do the same thing with getting a BFP.  I think a lot of women in my situation do something like this.  I tell myself I'm not going to get attached.  I tell myself not to get ahead of myself and picture myself holding a baby.  I tell myself to picture going to the loo and seeing blood on the paper so I won't be shocked if it happens.  I picture going for an ultrasound and hearing the words, "I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat" again.  Why do I do this?  Do I think I can cheat disappointment by getting there in my mind first?  Am I trying to take back a little bit of control in a situation where I feel powerless.  But inevitably there's a small part of me that hopes I'm wrong.  And that little part of me is always going to feel crushed when i end up being right...again.

Got my second round of results yesterday and they weren't quite what I had hoped: HCG had gone up but only to 873, so definitely not doubling and progesterone had gone down to 39.5.  Then to make it even more reassuring I went to the loo and got a little brown spotting when I wiped.  To top it off, my FS doesn't work on Friday afternoons so I couldn't discuss the results with her.  I sent messages to 2 of my friends who know about my BFP.  One had the same FS and suggested I get the hospital to page her, so I did.  She didn't seem that concerned about the HCG not doubling and suggested I start using the progesterone pessaries again.  I still have some from last time, plus a prescription with 2 repeats so I get to have fun sticking little white bullets up my hoo-ha and then lying still for half an hour while it "melts".  Only this time I have to do it morning AND night.  I have a row of these things, in tear-off strips and in a moment of black recurrent miscarriage comedy I told DH I'd imagined myself with a whole 'belt' of them worn crossways over a short, overweight, female version of Rambo.

The FS also told me to go get another blood test.  Results should be in Monday morning.  It's our housewarming tomorrow so at least that will provide some distraction.

I'm still getting some brown when I wipe.  It's really just tiny bits and if I wasn't so ****ing paranoid I probably wouldn't even notice.  And I know that brown spotting doesn't necessarily mean the worst.  But brown spotting for me has always meant the beginning of the end.  So other people's stories don't offer me that much reassurance.  Plus, now that I'm on the pessaries I'll worry that they're masking an impending miscarriage, which is what happened last time.  I was peeing all the time (like I am now) and I had the odd bit of brown spotting (like I am now).  But I had no idea that the embryo had stopped developing at 6 weeks.

When I tried calling my FS the answering machine message gave a number to call "in an emergency".  Are disappointing test results an emergency?  No, and they don't necessarily mean the worst.  Plus, even if they did, there's nothing anyone could do at this point if the pregnancy was failing.  But the mind games I play with myself could, if they continue, qualify as a mental health emergency.  For now I'm ok...for now...


  1. aww adi, i am so sorry...mind games are no fun...i play them every single day...i know what you mean about probably not even noticing...everytime i'm pregnant i do the same. my heart races before i go to the bathroom and then i stare at the tp to look for anything less than clear. i have even showed my friends before and swore i saw something and they say, "what are you talking about...there's nothing there"...
    happy housewarming. i hope that the spotting stops and where it is so likely it is nothing to worry about...i know what it does to the mind...and i hope it stops for that exact reason.
    wishing you a day of peace and great results on monday <3

  2. Hello I found you from ICLW.

    Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy. I just loss my 1st baby and "think" I want to try again soon but I would be feeling the exact same as you are. I wish we all had a crystal ball that we could look in!! Im from Australia as well... I dont normally find many Aussies on blogger so im looking forward to following your blog and wishing you great results on Monday!!

  3. I found your blog through ICLW.

    I'm hoping that the spotting has stopped and your little one continues to grow and thrive within you. I've had one loss and have not yet gotten pregnant again, but I can only imagine the fear and longing that you're experiencing. You are in my thoughts and prayers!