Lies, Damn lies and Statistics

You know you're having trouble starting a family when...a couple who got married the week before you are having their second child.

I've read in a few places that even after 3 miscarriages a couple has a 60% chance of a successful pregnancy without any intervention. I'm supposed to find that comforting and on some level I guess I do, but certainly not completely. The reason: statistics also tell me that only 1% of couples experience 3 miscarriages. Well I beat those odds. They also tell me that only 5% of fibroids are sub-mucosal - the type most likely to cause miscarriages. Beat that one too. Statistics aren't much comfort when you're already on the wrong side of them...

The girl who cried "baby"

My Dad told me something interesting yesterday.  He said that next time I get pregnant he doesn't want to know until after 12 weeks.  I'm not sure what to make of this.  Sure, I know it's upsetting for them to be told they have a grandchild on the way and then to be 'untold' a few weeks later.  I'm sure this is even harder for them when it happens again and again, as it has in our case.  Hell, I'd like to get past 12 weeks before finding out I'm pregnant, but I'm pretty sure that's not realistic, especially if I have to use the pessaries again.  I mean ignorance may be bliss, but it's rather difficult to maintain when you're sticking a little white bullet up your "hoo-ha" every night and then lying still for 30 minutes!

Even the first time I got a BFP I was very selective about who I shared the news with.  But once you've had a miscarriage, particularly if you're an anxious person like I am, the wait until that supposedly magical 12 week mark is absolute torture.  Trying to get on with ordinary day to day life like work, grocery shopping and paying bills in between checking your underpants for blood every 15 minutes and over-analysing every single little twinge or cramp is stressful, and time seems to slow to a crawl.  It helps to have a few select people who are in on the secret to offer support.  I'm not sure my Dad has considered it from this perspective and I'm sure he means well, but I do wonder how this would work in practical terms.  Because I'm pretty sure my Mum doesn't feel the same way, and it is hard to imagine her keeping a secret like that from Dad.  Anyway I guess I'll have to ask her myself.  Hopefully the next time I have news for them it won't just be a drill.

On "staying positive"

Yesterday DH and I went to an engagement party barbeque for my brother-in-law and future sister-in-law.  There was a baby there.  The baby is the child of one of B.I.L's friends.  So of course I knew DH would go straight over to see the baby.  It wasn't long before the mother handed the baby to DH and, as usually happens, the baby took to him straight away.  As I watched DH's face light up and the baby interact with him, my eyes filled with tears.  Dammit, I thought I was coping with this!  DH saw me across the table, handed the baby back and pulled me aside to see if I was ok.  He gave me hisusual line of "don't worry, we will get there." 

A little while later I heard DH and the baby's mother talking.  I heard her ask the dreaded question, "so when are you guys going to start a family?"  I didn't catch DH's whole response, but my hearing was acute enough to pick up the phrase "...a sensitive subject".

I was thinking the other day about how I will cope with the next pregnancy.  Given that we seem to have conceived sooner than the average all three times, one thing I am fairly confident about is that I will get pregnant again.  The second and third times I remember trying not to think too far ahead and couching all discussions about the future with "all being well" or "if we get that far".  The person I was talking to would always say, "Don't talk like that...you have to stay positive" or some similar phrase.  Did they not understand that I was trying to shield myself from some of the pain of losing another one?  Did what I was saying make them feel uncomfortable?  Is it just something people say?  Or do they think that "staying positive" (as opposed to my techniques of denial and distraction) will affect the outcome of the pregnancy or my response to the outcome?  I'm not saying it won't...I genuinely don't know the answer.

Map of Tassie

Well our "rest and recovery" trip to Tasmania is booked: 7 nights spread between Hobart, Strahan, Cradle Mountain and the Tamar Valley from 10 March.  We tossed up whether it was a good idea to spend the mone, given our impending indebtedness and other potential expenses, but decided that after what the last 2 months have thrown at us, we need this.  Who knows?  We might even make our "rainbow baby" over there...

Will be calling the specialist for coeliac antibody results on Tuesday.  If they are positive I will have to go see a gastroenterologist (there really is no abbreviation for them, is there?) and book in for a gastroscopy and biopsy of my small intestine (that should be a fun day out...).

In the meantime I have been to a naturopath.  Never thought I would go to one but she is also a pharmacist and was recommended by my scientist friend so I thought I should at least give it a go.  She has put me on a "detox programme", which I am following most of: no potatoes, no dairy, no grapes, no bananas (won't be able to afford them after TC Yasi anyway), no carbs at night, no beef (haven't completely stuck to that one), no fruit juice and LOTS of salad!  Never been a big salad eater so that one is tough.  She wanted me to give up gluten but I said I wasn't going to do that until I know the results of the coeliac blood test as giving it up now will mean I can't get a conclusive diagnosis.  So if my blood test result is negative, I will probably be giving up gluten from Tuesday (in case I'm gluten intolerant but not coeliac) and if it is positive I will probably be giving it up after the biopsy.

She also "prescribed" 3 different supplements, 2 of which I left at work on Friday.  Oh well...I was supposed to have a Supreme Court trial starting next week that just settled on Friday and have been flat out at work, so not entirely surprised I forgot something.  The supplements aren't cheap either!  But I figure if they help me feel less bloated and more energetic (and possibly carry a baby to term) they'll be worth every cent.

Blame the bread?

Well I have a new theory about my recurrent miscarriages - and it's one that would never have occurred to me if my Mum hadn't mentioned it the other day.  I may be coeliac/gluten intolerant.

I have had mild gastrointestinal symptoms (bloating, gas, sometimes upset stomach) since before we started TTC but I kind of stopped looking into it when I had my first m/c. Apparently there is a link. So I will be asking the FS to give me a referral for a blood test.

Strangely enough, the first internal ultrasound I ever had was because of the bloating; I'd read that it can be an early warning sign for ovarian cancer and freaked out.  Well, my ovaries looked fine but they did find a couple of small fibroids.  My GP said I could have further testing done (I think she suggested fructose intolerance - can't remember her mentioning gluten) but shortly after that I had my first m/c and my intermittent GI symptoms got pushed to the back of my mind while I started researching fibroids etc.  If I do test positive it'll be a huge life change and I think I'll find it quite hard as I love food and eating out.  But if it will make me feel healthier and help me carry a healthy baby to term I think it will be a small price to pay. 

Sadly I've read that many GPs and even fertility specialists don't think to test for this, even though it's been known for a while that coeliac disease is associated with recurrent miscarriage.  A lot of women apparently don't become symptomatic until their 40s or 50s by which time their reproductive years are over. :(

Anyway I still have to get tested first.  If the testing is negative I'll have to decide whether I try a gluten free diet anyway, in case I've got some non-Coeliac form of gluten intolerance or just go back to trying again.  If I do have to start a gluten free diet I hope it won't put off TTC again for too long.  I feel like a broken record - I've been stuck in the same place for 2 years now. 

Had my Vitamin D checked yesterday.  I have had so many blood tests now I am starting to feel like a human tap!  Apparently Coeliac Disease can cause that to be low as well (I always thought it was just living in Melbourne and working in an office all day) so if the result comes back low when we go see the FS on Tuesday it might have me more ammunition to ask for Coeliac screening.

The reason I haven't blogged for a while is that my father-in-law died suddenly the week before last.  He was very overweight and had been in hospital for a few days last year with heart trouble, but he was doing cardiac rehab and we thought he was making progress.  On the night of the 10th he apparently collapsed and couldn't be revived.  Joe's sister Jamie (who's pregnant) had to fly back from Israel and his 2 half-sisters had to fly down from Brisbane amidst all the chaos of the floods.  Joe is doing about as well as can be expected considering.

What has made it more stressful is that my mother-in-law wants to go back to the US.  She has no money and while the kids (and kids-in-law) are prepared to pay for her ticket, she is in desperate need of psychiatric help before she goes and won't admit it.  I'm hoping we find a way to make her see sense in the not-too-distant future.

I Wish...

I wish I could look at photos of friends' babies without feeling a pull in my chest.

I wish I could think about trying for a baby again without feeling queasy - nausea should be reserved for when you are already pregnant.

I wish next time I got a BFP I could just go to sleep for 8 weeks and wake up when everything was ok.

I wish this was over.  I'm sick of making the same wishes.  It's been 2 years for God sake!

"Novocaine for the Soul" (with thanks to the Eels)

One of the most upsetting things about my experience of multiple miscarriages has been its effect on my friendships.  For much of my childhood and adolescence I was a loner.  As a result of my experiences I find it hard to open up to people enough to make friends.  It wasn't until I moved to Melbourne that I gradually began to develop a circle of friends.  Now it seems like most women I know are either pregnant or have just had babies.

After my last miscarriage I stopped going on Facebook as much because seeing all of the belly pics and baby updates began to feel a bit too much like masochism.  But I have waited for too long to have this group of friends to crawl back into my cave.  But when I see them and their bellies it obviously reminds me of what I've lost.  So it becomes this strange dance of being social, showing interest in the most important event of their lives, and then going home and regrouping.  It's emotionally exhausting - the equivalent of embarking on a massive hike: you know it's good for you, but you also know you're going to pay for it later.  I'm doing it - I just wish there was a way to make it hurt less - hence the title of this post.