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29 June 2011

The "Too-Weak-to" Wait

Well the all-knowing Fertility Friend has called O for Sunday, so I am now 3DPO. This is the part of the 2-week wait when I get to pretend I'm a normal, sane person. It's next week that I'll be analysing every twinge and playing hostage negotiator with myself about a HPT (step away from the pee stick. If you end this now, nobody needs to get hurt).

This month I am going to try to be really Zen about the whole thing (notice the use of the word 'try'). We'll see how I go...

28 June 2011

Offspring

"I'm sorry.  There's no heartbeat."

Last night's 'Offspring' was a little close to home (well, apart from the donor sperm from gay brother-in-law aspect ;)).  Hearing those words took me back almost 7 months to my scan.  It was hard to hear, even though I kind of guessed that's what the screenwriters had in store.  Billie, the pregnant character, was just a little too cocky about the pregnancy.  She still had the whole "positive pregnancy test = baby" innocence and kept talking about "when the baby is here" and "where the baby will sleep" and touching her tummy even though she didn't have a bump yet.  You could tell she was about to be brought back to earth with a thud. 

Was I ever that innocent?  It's hard to say,since my head was so screwed up when I first got pregnant.  I certainly knew that miscarriage was possible, although I never envisaged having 3.  This journey has been so much longer and harder than anything I could have anticipated...and it's still going.  I hope I never have to hear those words again...

Offspring

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And was away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

26 June 2011

One day, two parties, many babies

There were a lot of babies today.  I went to a 30th this morning and quite a few people there had babies or young kids.  One girl, who is more of an "acquaintance" asked me if I wanted to hold her baby.  We weren't even talking at the time so it was a bit strange.  I surprised myself with how quickly I said "no".  I've never felt that comfortable with this girl, plus I'm not in the habit of holding other people's babies unless I know them very well.  Because of my disability I get nervous with newborns and think they won't feel comfortable, since I can't relax my left arm properly.  (I've never dropped one, though).  DH, on the other hand, is quite happy to hold other people's newborns (and looks comfortable holding them).  I found out later that the girl thought she had upset me, which I feel a bit bad about.  I can understand it would be difficult to know the "right" thing to say to someone in my situation when you have a new baby.

Then I went to my friends' "le'Chaim" for their twin girls.  I had warned my friend, R, I might not be able to stay long.  She went through 4 cycles of IVF to have them so she understands the emotions involved.  In the end it was more just the fact that there were so many people and I was getting claustrophobic that made me tell DH it was time to leave.  We still managed to stay over an hour.  I'm wondering if the day took more out of me than I thought it had though, as I was falling asleep in the car at 5 pm.

I thought I'd got a positive OPK on Friday but I got an even stronger one last night.  Unfortunately, DH lost his wallet last night, which put him in a foul mood.  Of all the days for that to happen.  I could see this month's baby chances going down the drain (metaphorically speaking ;) ).  He was still in a bad mood this morning.  Here we go again, I thought.  Another month of me having to guilt trip him into BD'ing.  My stomach churned at the thought.  Then I thought, why not take the guilt out of it for a change and stick to simple facts.  I said to him, "Can I put something to you?"  When he said yes, I said, "In a couple of weeks this stuff with your wallet and cards will be sorted out, but we'll have missed our chance."  And I left it at that.  And it worked.  I just hope we don't have to keep doing this every month for much longer...

25 June 2011

Freezing at the Football


 He is 12...and sometimes he acts like it ;)

So here I am playing the role of the supportive wife at the football. And I'm freezing my butt off! But since DH is being so supportive about bding this weekend I suppose it's fair enough. More later

24 June 2011

A song to make a baby to

Joshua Radin was awesome!  Even DH thought it was great and he basically went in 'blind'.  After whingeing because the concert was general admission and we were not guaranteed seats (we got seats) and about the fact that the concert was scheduled to end at 11:15, he loved it.  The support acts were Jim Bianco and an Aussie guy called Andy Bull.  They were also very good.  The latter sounded to me like a cross between Nelly Furtado and Ben Folds (note I said "sounded", not "looked" ;) ).

Funnily enough, after I mentioned Joshua Radin getting us 'in the mood' in my last post, he told the story last night about one of his songs called "You Got What I Need".  Apparently friends of his were trying to conceive without much success.  They told him they had fallen in love listening to his music and asked him to write them a song to help them to conceive.  This was the song:


When he played "Brand New Day" the tears just started running down my cheeks.  As I posted before, I first listened to this song after my 3rd miscarriage, when I was trying to pick myself up off the floor.   The 3rd miscarriage, really left me bereft.  I don't think I ever felt the need to apply that word to myself before.  I remember sitting there thinking "I don't know where to put all this sadness"...like it was a flood that I was trying in vain to divert or contain.  The thing is that the world does still go on and, even in the midsts of your despair (assuming you're not clinically depressed and can get out of bed), you know you have to find a way to pick yourself up and engage with it.  I knew that at the time, which is why the song helped me.  It's like the line in the Shawshank Redemption:

"Get busy livin' or get busy dying."

Oh, and the friends did have a baby...Unfortunately for us, by the time we got home it was almost midnight - very late for a "school" night,  so there was no chance of BDing.  But hey, there's always tonight...




22 June 2011

Mr D.C., we have to stop meeting like this!

So I had another encounter with Mr Dildo Cam this morning.  You'd think by now he would have at least bought me dinner, but no...I'm beginning to think he's using me ;P

The ultrasound was originally scheduled for 25 May, but of course I was in hospital recovering from being kicked in the guts by a mule (aka having my appendix removed).  The left-sided pain I'd been having just before AF wasn't there this cycle, but I contacted my FS and she said to go ahead and have the scan.

Good news, the Dr couldn't see any pathology except for one small fibroid on the outside of my uterus, which was not a problem.  He also said my endometrial lining was ok.  Unfortunately he also said he couldn't see a dominant follicle, even though I'm CD12 today.  That doesn't necessarily mean the cycle's a bust...I've generally O'd a bit later than the textbook CD14 (usually CD17/18).  I still think a monitored cycle is a good idea (assuming we have no success before the next FS appointment) but we'll see how we go.  At the moment it's just "business as usual": OPKs and BDing every other day until a positive.  So tonight's a night off.  Let's hope Joshua Radin helps get us in the mood...On that note...

  Sky - Joshua Radin (feat Ingrid Michaelson)




 

20 June 2011

Happy "Joshua Radin week"

The concert is Thursday night and I'm very excited so, even though I posted this song before, I will do so again.  This song helped me through the time after my 3rd miscarriage and I often think of it when I'm down.

Had a big weekend with my nephew's 1st birthday and my parents here from Perth, but I have an early work meeting so will have to blog about it later.  In the meantime, here's "Brand New Day"

17 June 2011

Lies, Damn lies and Statistics

You know you're having trouble starting a family when...a couple who got married the week before you are having their second child.

I've read in a few places that even after 3 miscarriages a couple has a 60% chance of a successful pregnancy without any intervention. I'm supposed to find that comforting and on some level I guess I do, but certainly not completely. The reason: statistics also tell me that only 1% of couples experience 3 miscarriages. Well I beat those odds. They also tell me that only 5% of fibroids are sub-mucosal - the type most likely to cause miscarriages. Beat that one too. Statistics aren't much comfort when you're already on the wrong side of them...

14 June 2011

Hope

"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. " ~ "Red", "The Shawshank Redemption"

And the babies keep coming... My sister-in-law in Tel Aviv, Israel, had a little boy yesterday, so Joe and I are an aunt and uncle for the second time.  We knew it was a boy.  He's a gorgeous little thing.  It was tinged with sadness though, given that my father-in-law isn't here to experience being a grandfather. 

I think that's the last of my friends and family to give birth, for now.  People tell us they hope we'll be next.  I hope so too, but hope feels like a luxury these days.  Sometimes I feel like my hope has been worn away like the rocks in a gorge. But if not for hope, how would we keep going through this long journey?  I still have it, even though it has been dulled by experience.

When hope is not enough to get me through I rely on research and practical action.  What can I do to prevent another miscarriage?  The simple answer is there is no fail-safe way to ensure it doesn't happen again.  But when something is so out of your control, sometimes the feeling that you are doing something is as important as actually doing something to affect the outcome.  Today's thought: try Co-enzyme Q10.  Apparently it is supposed to help with the way the egg fertilizes or something.  And it has other benefits for things like energy and cholesterol, so I figure, it can't hurt...

AF is almost over already.  It worries me that it has got so light.  If so little is being shed surely my lining can't be that good to start with...Guess I'll have to wait for the FS and ask how we test that...

In the meantime, I still hope.  I still daydream about my baby...what it will look like, what we will name it...but I keep these thoughts to myself now.  They are too fragile (and seem too cocky) to share with others...

~~~~~

[Andy, in a letter] Dear Red, If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Andy.

10 June 2011

Time

Time, why you punish me?
Like a wave crashing into the shore
You wash away my dreams
Time, why you walk away? oh, oh
Like a friend with somewhere to go
You left me crying

Can you teach me 'bout tomorrow
And all the pain and sorrow running free?
'Cause tomorrow's just another day
And I don't believe in time


Time - Hootie & the Blowfish

With my 3rd due date approaching and all the babies being born around me, I've been thinking about the words of this song a lot.  I bought the album it comes from, "Cracked Rear View", when I was about 16 or 17 and quite lonely.  My life is very different now, but the song still fits.

We have a long weekend here in Melbourne this weekend: Queen's birthday...even though her actual birthday was in April (go figure).  Still, if there's a day off work on offer, Australians are unlikely to quibble about the details.  Anyway, I don't plan on doing anything too exciting - having brunch tomorrow with my friend who just had twin girls (after I think 4 cycles of IVF) and another friend.  It will be the first time we've done this since her babies have been home from the hospital and it will be interesting to see if the dynamic is different.  Other than that, will probably try to get some reading done before the next book club meeting and might go see a movie with DH.  Not sure what though...I have vetoed the new "X-Men" movie and he has vetoed "Bridesmaids" so we'll have to see if we can agree on something.

Trying a new recipe in the slow cooker tonight: "Rich Beef Curry" with a few modifications due to lack of ingredients.  I love knowing that dinner is at home cooking itself while I am working away at my desk.  Will just have to hope it tastes good.

I'm not feeling my normal witty self today.  I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that AF is on her way.  I always feel a bit flat this time of the month.  Oh well...there's always ice cream... ;)

08 June 2011

Meditations on success

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life... as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.”  - Booker T Washington


I love this quote.  I once tore it out of a Weight Watchers magazine and put it up on my wall at work.

"Envy was just the tax you paid on success" - David Nicholls

I have no idea who David Nicholls is.  Will have to look him up later.

This is just a short post from work.  Our fancy schmantzy home Naked DSL is acting up.  So we have no home phone (VOIP) and no internet.  Put together with the fact we are in a mobile phone blackspot and I am starting to feel like I'm living in the dark ages - quite literally when you consider we'll have no main light in the bedroom until July.  The ISP has arranged a company to come out and look at it, but of course they want to come during business hours.  It's so hard to get things done around the house when you both work full time, and Joe has already taken 2 days off to have stuff done.

Yesterday we had new cabinets, doors and laminate put in the kitchen.  It is looking much better but of course everything that you do to a place creates another thing that needs to be done...so now we need to replace some tiles in the kitchen and get some new ones for a splashback.  Anyhoo...

Had my fortnightly acupuncture appointment last night.  As someone who has never been good with needles I am surprised at how relaxing it is (except that the needle she put in my wrist was a little bit sore).  I'm still a bit of a skeptic but I figure even if it's doing nothing for my fertility, if it makes me more relaxed it's worth it.

Anyway, I started on the topic of "success" and seem to have got a bit off track with miscellaneous household issues.  So to conclude, I will share one of my other favourite Tom Petty songs, a "battle-cry" for resilience if you will...




07 June 2011

The Waiting

I decided a while ago that the Tom Petty song "the Waiting" was one of the themes of my TTC journey. I 'discovered' Tom Petty rather late but he certainly has some great songs that have struck a chord with me in my life.

The Waiting (feat Eddie Vedder)

For Maria (a fellow blogger): if you're reading, I thought you and/or your hubby might appreciate this version....

As any woman who has been through this journey will understand it is all about 'the waiting'. Your life gets broken up into these blocks of time and you always seem to be waiting for something: waiting to get AF, waiting for O, waiting to test, waiting for the next FS appointment...Then if you are lucky enough to get that elusive BFP, there's waiting for blood work, waiting for scans, waiting to see a heartbeat (not that I would know what that's like :( ). I think that's why we feel the time that has passed in this journey that much more than men. Every time I take my temperature I am reminded of how long we've been trying. The calendar mocks me as each key date passes.

Next month will be EDD number 3. I think it was the 23rd. I'm glad in a way that I didn't memorize the exact date.

I am just on my way into the city after my post-op appointment for the appendix. Everything seems to have gone well in that department. The surgeon said we could try again when I could sneeze or do sit-ups without pain. So if I start doing sit-ups tonight, DH might start getting ideas ;). Anyway, AF should be here in a few days and then the waiting to O starts again. And if we have no luck in June or July we will be waiting until August for our next FS appointment. And as Tom Petty sings, "the waiting is the hardest part".