7 weeks

Well, 7 weeks today, and apparently the Hernlet should look something like this:









Cute, huh?  Still looks like an alien though.  They say that once you see a heartbeat your risk of miscarriage goes down to about 5%.  As I've said, I've been on the wrong side of statistics before...My sister also lost a baby after having seen the heartbeat so I know it does happen.  Just hoping that all will be ok for us.  All in all this is a pretty helpless time...I can't have scans every day and even if I could, if something were wrong there's not much doctors could do anyway.  I don't have many symptoms either, and the ones I do, like tender boobs, could also be due to the progesterone pessaries.  I'm also peeing all the time.  In fact I may just relocate my reading, TV watching etc to the bathroom to save time.  Just have to convince DH to install a TV in the bathroom.

We have an appointment with the FS on Wed.  Not exactly sure what will happen but she may refer me to an OB.  Still trying to decide on who to go with.  Have decided to go to Jessie McPherson Private Hospital (all being well).  It's on the same site as a major public teaching hospital so if we needed special care they wouldn't have to transfer us.  I was going to see the OB my friend used with her twins but she has apparently booked up as the other female OB who delivered there has just retired.  When I first got pregnant I wanted to go to Cabrini Hospital, which has a reputation for being a nice cushy place to give birth.  The problem is that you have to book in with them as soon as you get a BFP which, after three miscarriages, I didn't have the confidence to do.  In any event, my priorities have changed...I'd rather have the best medical care available than the cushiest hospital room.

Will post again after our appointment on Wednesday.  Keep growing, little one...

A Beautiful Heartbeat

Just wanted to do a quick update and let you all know that we saw a beautiful heartbeat of 110 BPM this morning. 'Hernlet' is measuring 6 weeks 3 days so 1 day ahead. I was too scared to look when she inserted DC so I kept my eyes closed until she said "see this". DH and I were shocked and DH actually had a tear rolling down his cheek by the end. I realise we still have a long way to go before we are 'out of the woods', but as this is the first time we have seen a heartbeat, we are now in uncharted territory.

Stressed

So the scan is tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit sick about it.  Every loss has taken something from me...a little bit of my optimism I think.  I'm worried that if it's bad news tomorrow I'm going to have to pull myself off the floor again.  I'm worried that this is going to affect my ability to do my job, go out and socialise, be happy for other people...Sounds like my priorities are a bit messed up, I guess.  But it's all part of self-preservation and reminding myself I'll be ok no matter what.

I realised I hadn't updated on the BT results last Monday.  HCG was 1406 and progesterone was in the 80s.  So the pessaries are definitely doing something.  I guess I'm one of those people whose HCG doubles every 3rd day rather than every 2nd.

Anyway, I'm hanging in there.  Send me any positive vibes, prayers etc.  I can use all the help I can get.

Six Weeks Today

and two days away from possibly getting a better idea of whether this pregnancy is likely to be a success or whether it's going to be another cruel trick my body plays on me - the scan.  I have been trying to remind myself that it may be too early to see a heartbeat...even with dildo-cam.  By my calculations I will be 6 weeks 2 days which is borderline early for a heartbeat.  In fact my FS told me to go for one "so we could see if there was a sac".  She didn't mention anything about a foetal pole, let alone a heart beat.  So we shall see.  The memory of my last pregnancy scan is still clear in my mind; in fact, yesterday was the EDD for No 3.  I'm sure I will be feeling quite ill on Tuesday.


Been too tired to blog lately.  Joe and I have been working late and I've barely had time to eat, not to mention cook dinner or blog!  I read that progesterone is the culprit for the chronic tiredness in the first trimester.  Well, it's not surprising that I'm exhausted then since I'm taking a double dose of progesterone pessaries!

As for symptoms, they seem to vary a lot, but there always seems to be one that's prominent, which I guess is reassuring.  Yesterday it was peeing all the time.  Today it's feeling exhausted and incredibly thirsty.  Still not much by way of morning sickness, although on Friday I did feel quite unwell when I didn't eat between about 9 and 1.  It seems totally counter-intuituive to eat when you feel nauseous but I know that's what you're supposed to do.  I can't help wondering whether it's the progesterone causing the symptoms (2 x pessaries per day) or the pregnancy itself.

Yesterday I went to the dentist and then Rachelle and her gorgeous twin girls.  They seemed to find my 'pillows' quite comfortable and both slept on my chest at different times.  They are beautiful but it seems ridiculously hard having 2 of them at once, especially when one of them has a set of lungs that convince me she will one day be an opera singer!

Well that'll do for now.  Fingers crossed for the scan.  Will update then.

Mind Games

I'm playing mind games with myself.  I've always been a fairly anxious person. I'm always trying to think of the worst case scenarios.  I remember being at my graduation looking up to the stage and thinking of all the places I might potentially trip and embarrass myself between my seat and the Vice-Chancellor.

I think I do the same thing with getting a BFP.  I think a lot of women in my situation do something like this.  I tell myself I'm not going to get attached.  I tell myself not to get ahead of myself and picture myself holding a baby.  I tell myself to picture going to the loo and seeing blood on the paper so I won't be shocked if it happens.  I picture going for an ultrasound and hearing the words, "I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat" again.  Why do I do this?  Do I think I can cheat disappointment by getting there in my mind first?  Am I trying to take back a little bit of control in a situation where I feel powerless.  But inevitably there's a small part of me that hopes I'm wrong.  And that little part of me is always going to feel crushed when i end up being right...again.

Got my second round of results yesterday and they weren't quite what I had hoped: HCG had gone up but only to 873, so definitely not doubling and progesterone had gone down to 39.5.  Then to make it even more reassuring I went to the loo and got a little brown spotting when I wiped.  To top it off, my FS doesn't work on Friday afternoons so I couldn't discuss the results with her.  I sent messages to 2 of my friends who know about my BFP.  One had the same FS and suggested I get the hospital to page her, so I did.  She didn't seem that concerned about the HCG not doubling and suggested I start using the progesterone pessaries again.  I still have some from last time, plus a prescription with 2 repeats so I get to have fun sticking little white bullets up my hoo-ha and then lying still for half an hour while it "melts".  Only this time I have to do it morning AND night.  I have a row of these things, in tear-off strips and in a moment of black recurrent miscarriage comedy I told DH I'd imagined myself with a whole 'belt' of them worn crossways over me...like a short, overweight, female version of Rambo.

The FS also told me to go get another blood test.  Results should be in Monday morning.  It's our housewarming tomorrow so at least that will provide some distraction.

I'm still getting some brown when I wipe.  It's really just tiny bits and if I wasn't so ****ing paranoid I probably wouldn't even notice.  And I know that brown spotting doesn't necessarily mean the worst.  But brown spotting for me has always meant the beginning of the end.  So other people's stories don't offer me that much reassurance.  Plus, now that I'm on the pessaries I'll worry that they're masking an impending miscarriage, which is what happened last time.  I was peeing all the time (like I am now) and I had the odd bit of brown spotting (like I am now).  But I had no idea that the embryo had stopped developing at 6 weeks.

When I tried calling my FS the answering machine message gave a number to call "in an emergency".  Are disappointing test results an emergency?  No, and they don't necessarily mean the worst.  Plus, even if they did, there's nothing anyone could do at this point if the pregnancy was failing.  But the mind games I play with myself could, if they continue, qualify as a mental health emergency.  For now I'm ok...for now...

the Human Voodoo Doll

That's the best description of my experiences this week.  Tuesday had my HCG and progesterone levels checked.  The FS called about 12 on Tuesday and told me to get referrals for blood tests on Tuesday and Thursday.  Of course my GP is nowhere near work so I found a medical centre in the city that's close to one of the collection centres and luckily managed to get an appointment at 1:15.  Only 1 vial this time - not like when I had my recurrent miscarriage testing and they took 9!!!

Wednesday night I went to my acupuncture appointment where she did some treatment to help the little one stick and some positive visualisation and relaxation.

Yesterday I had my 2nd beta HCG and progesterone and got the results of the first one...online!  The doctor gave me a code to log into a website with my results.  This newfangled technology! ;)  So I know that my HCG on Tuesday at 16DPO was 557 and progesterone was 47.6.  I've been through this enough times to know that one HCG result doesn't mean anything on its own so I'll be checking today to hopefully see that it's doubling.  As forthe progesterone, I really don't know what is considered good, but I think as long as it's above 10 and not dropping it's ok.  Fingers crossed.

Otherwise symptoms aren't too strong.  Am peeing constantly and get really thirsty and my boobs are a bit tender but only really if I press them.  Just trying to distract myself as much as possible and not think too far ahead.  Sometimes I succeed...

A Letter to my Baby

Dear baby

Ok...so apparently right now you are about the size of a poppyseed...yet still causing me to drink and pee all the time.  Go figure!  Something so small probably can't pick up on emotional energy or 'vibes' but in case you can I thought I would write this.  Even if it means nothing to you now, hopefully I'll be able to show it to you one day and show you how I felt right now...or at least remind myself.

You may have noticed, when I realised you were there, a distinct lack of endorphins or adrenaline, or whatever hormone is supposed to be produced when we humans are excited.  Please do not think that this is because you aren't wanted.  It is because you are so wanted that I have to try and stop myself getting attached at this early stage.  Because I have had to harden my heart to withstand disappointment.  But don't that let you stop getting attached.  You cling on tight.  You be strong until I can be and hopefully I will have the chance to show you soon how much you are wanted.

Love

your Mum-in-waiting

Here we go again...

BFP this morning. Didn't even wake DH up to tell him this time. Will see how long this one lasts...

Grant me the Serenity...

So I'm 13 DPO and I haven't tested. I usually have a 12-day LP. I'm also spotting. Just a bit of brown. It might be the start of AF...or it might not. Right now I am trying to be really 'Zen' about things, which is so un-me. We'll see how I go.

10 DPO...not that I'm counting...

So...still getting those mild crampy feelings, but only in the afternoon today.  I was also seriously thirsty.  So of course I start googling symptoms.  I worry I'm setting myself up for a fall...either now or in a few weeks.  Call it the triumph of hope over experience.

Yesterday we had an electrician come to install a safety switch, our fan/bedroom light and a new power point in a better (and legal - i.e. not above the bath) position.  DH took the day off work as he doesn't like tradesmen being in the house when we're not here.  He used the time to clean and tidy :) but unfortunately forgot to reset my alarm :(.  Luckily my body clock woke me up this morning at 6.21 am.  I had to get brekkie at work but we did get out in time.

Now off to distract myself with some "Offspring".

And let the obsessing begin...

So I'm 8DPO and it's started. Symptom obsession. Today it's my bladder. Now DH likes to tease me about its less than impressive capacity. But now I need to go 5 minutes after I've been. The problem is I've also had this symptom and then got a BFN. Plus, what would a BFP be anyway but a promise that may or may not be kept. In line with what my shrink says I'll just have to accept that overanalyzing things is in my nature because trying to fight it is only going to make me think about it more. Also feeling a bit queasy in the last hour or so. Still no testing till at least Sunday...Monday if I can manage it. Hopefully this blog will keep me honest.

DH and I went into USA Foods, American Grocery store, to get sloppy joe sauce and of course a few other things found their way into our basket as well. I've never had 'Hostess Cupcakes' but Joe remembers them from his childhood. They look positively evil.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Thanks to the beautiful Maria @ Every Day is a Country Song for this prestigious award.  Apparently I am not supposed to make 3 wishes without letting the power go to my head - mwahaha

Maybe I should ask Chief for advice since we believe he is "Ceiling Cat" after all...

Funnily enough, there is a black cat that lives nearby, who cries to get into our apartment sometimes.  I have taken to calling him "Basement Cat".  He hisses at us when we try to tell him to go home, so I think he is living up to his name.

Anyway, 'scuse the rambling.  I was cleaning the grout in the shower this morning with a toothbrush and might have got a bit high on the bleach fumes (j/k).  So...3 wishes...

I know Maria already said this one, but I have long said that the working week should be 2 days and the weekend 5.  Let it be so!

Secondly, I think it's high time there was such thing as a self-cleaning house.  I wish I could be a bit like Barbara Eden in "I Dream of Jeannie", fold my arms and blink and the dishes, vacuuming, dusting and bathroom cleaning would all be done.

Finally, I think we should all be able to travel by telekinesis, which means none of us would have to worry about airfares, airplane food or those tiny airplane toilets anymore - we could travel somewhere just by concentrating.  Which means, whenever I was feeling a bit down (or one of them was) I could travel to one of my internet friends and we could go get some girly treat like facials or ice cream sundaes or something.  Of course we'd also be able to go back in time so if we needed to speak to a close friend or relative who had passed away, we could.

Well those are my thoughts for now.  I suppose I should get back to cleaning the house...

Intermittent Craziness

Happy New (Financial) Year!

Six months ago I was saying how I hoped the New Year would be better than the last one.  Let's face it...2010 pretty much sucked.  So far 2011 hasn't been much better, with Joe's dad dying in January, issues at work, my cycles going weird on me and then developing appendicitis!  But I was thinking last night, when I said I hoped the new year would be better, I didn't say which new year...So maybe 1 July is the turning point...

'Offspring' on Wednesday was so close to home it was almost painful.  Watching Bille's reaction when she had to listen to someone talking about how much they loved their baby but how they hadn't known what to do...but at least "she hasn't died" and trying to hold it together, or sitting it a cafe where everyone around you seems to have babies...painful!

Offspring - Season 2, Ep 10

In those situations I've always felt a 'pull' between the etiquette of sitting there and continuing to socialise and wanting to run far, far away to a place where there are likely to be no children...like a brothel, for example! (just kidding).  Of course, most of the time I do a good impression of being a functional, well-balanced human being...but sometimes the "crazy" comes out.  The other day at work, the Managing Director was talking to one of the partners about his wife's birth story a few steps away from my desk - how she'd had to have a caesarean etc...and I found myself humming so I didn't have to listen to it, not loudly mind you, just under my breath so I didn't hear the conversation but...Humming!  I don't think I've hummed to drown someone out since I was about 7 years old!  I'm surprised I didn't put my fingers in my ears and start singing "la la la la la, I can't hear you"!  This is not the behaviour of a mature, sane adult.  Anyway, I guess the facade is going to slip sometimes...