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26 January 2011

Incompatible with Life

Well we had our D&C follow-up appointment with the Fertility Specialist yesterday.  Well we found out foetus had extra chromosome 16, which means it could not have been born alive, so that's a relief in one sense. It was a girl too. Am still having the coeliac test and we will decide what to do from there.

I think I'm a little relieved that it was a chromosomal problem, but not as much as I thought I would be. Maybe it's because there are still the previous 2 miscarriages for which we'll never have a definite answer. As for knowing the sex, I think it makes the loss more real, but knowing she could never have been born alive stops me fantasising about what she might have looked like etc. I still have no confidence that my body can do this - now I'm worrying about whether all my eggs are bad so really I think all I've done is changed which worry I'm focussing on.

22 January 2011

Blame the bread?

Well I have a new theory about my recurrent miscarriages - and it's one that would never have occurred to me if my Mum hadn't mentioned it the other day.  I may be coeliac/gluten intolerant.

I have had mild gastrointestinal symptoms (bloating, gas, sometimes upset stomach) since before we started TTC but I kind of stopped looking into it when I had my first m/c. Apparently there is a link. So I will be asking the FS to give me a referral for a blood test.

Strangely enough, the first internal ultrasound I ever had was because of the bloating; I'd read that it can be an early warning sign for ovarian cancer and freaked out.  Well, my ovaries looked fine but they did find a couple of small fibroids.  My GP said I could have further testing done (I think she suggested fructose intolerance - can't remember her mentioning gluten) but shortly after that I had my first m/c and my intermittent GI symptoms got pushed to the back of my mind while I started researching fibroids etc.  If I do test positive it'll be a huge life change and I think I'll find it quite hard as I love food and eating out.  But if it will make me feel healthier and help me carry a healthy baby to term I think it will be a small price to pay. 

Sadly I've read that many GPs and even fertility specialists don't think to test for this, even though it's been known for a while that coeliac disease is associated with recurrent miscarriage.  A lot of women apparently don't become symptomatic until their 40s or 50s by which time their reproductive years are over. :(

Anyway I still have to get tested first.  If the testing is negative I'll have to decide whether I try a gluten free diet anyway, in case I've got some non-Coeliac form of gluten intolerance or just go back to trying again.  If I do have to start a gluten free diet I hope it won't put off TTC again for too long.  I feel like a broken record - I've been stuck in the same place for 2 years now. 

Had my Vitamin D checked yesterday.  I have had so many blood tests now I am starting to feel like a human tap!  Apparently Coeliac Disease can cause that to be low as well (I always thought it was just living in Melbourne and working in an office all day) so if the result comes back low when we go see the FS on Tuesday it might have me more ammunition to ask for Coeliac screening.

The reason I haven't blogged for a while is that my father-in-law died suddenly the week before last.  He was very overweight and had been in hospital for a few days last year with heart trouble, but he was doing cardiac rehab and we thought he was making progress.  On the night of the 10th he apparently collapsed and couldn't be revived.  Joe's sister Jamie (who's pregnant) had to fly back from Israel and his 2 half-sisters had to fly down from Brisbane amidst all the chaos of the floods.  Joe is doing about as well as can be expected considering.

What has made it more stressful is that my mother-in-law wants to go back to the US.  She has no money and while the kids (and kids-in-law) are prepared to pay for her ticket, she is in desperate need of psychiatric help before she goes and won't admit it.  I'm hoping we find a way to make her see sense in the not-too-distant future.

10 January 2011

I Wish...

I wish I could look at photos of friends' babies without feeling a pull in my chest.

I wish I could think about trying for a baby again without feeling queasy - nausea should be reserved for when you are already pregnant.

I wish next time I got a BFP I could just go to sleep for 8 weeks and wake up when everything was ok.

I wish this was over.  I'm sick of making the same wishes.  It's been 2 years for God sake!

05 January 2011

"Novocaine for the Soul" (with thanks to the Eels)

One of the most upsetting things about my experience of multiple miscarriages has been its effect on my friendships.  For much of my childhood and adolescence I was a loner.  As a result of my experiences I find it hard to open up to people enough to make friends.  It wasn't until I moved to Melbourne that I gradually began to develop a circle of friends.  Now it seems like most women I know are either pregnant or have just had babies.

After my last miscarriage I stopped going on Facebook as much because seeing all of the belly pics and baby updates began to feel a bit too much like masochism.  But I have waited for too long to have this group of friends to crawl back into my cave.  But when I see them and their bellies it obviously reminds me of what I've lost.  So it becomes this strange dance of being social, showing interest in the most important event of their lives, and then going home and regrouping.  It's emotionally exhausting - the equivalent of embarking on a massive hike: you know it's good for you, but you also know you're going to pay for it later.  I'm doing it - I just wish there was a way to make it hurt less - hence the title of this post.

04 January 2011

New Year - New Start

Well I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon and start up a blog.  The idea is that it will mainly be a place where I can vent my feelings about Joe's and my efforts to start a family - hence the title.  I am 33 years old, married for 2 years last November and have just experienced my third miscarriage (reason as yet unknown).  Will write more later.

Adi