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05 January 2011

"Novocaine for the Soul" (with thanks to the Eels)

One of the most upsetting things about my experience of multiple miscarriages has been its effect on my friendships.  For much of my childhood and adolescence I was a loner.  As a result of my experiences I find it hard to open up to people enough to make friends.  It wasn't until I moved to Melbourne that I gradually began to develop a circle of friends.  Now it seems like most women I know are either pregnant or have just had babies.

After my last miscarriage I stopped going on Facebook as much because seeing all of the belly pics and baby updates began to feel a bit too much like masochism.  But I have waited for too long to have this group of friends to crawl back into my cave.  But when I see them and their bellies it obviously reminds me of what I've lost.  So it becomes this strange dance of being social, showing interest in the most important event of their lives, and then going home and regrouping.  It's emotionally exhausting - the equivalent of embarking on a massive hike: you know it's good for you, but you also know you're going to pay for it later.  I'm doing it - I just wish there was a way to make it hurt less - hence the title of this post.

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