Hope

"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. " ~ "Red", "The Shawshank Redemption"

And the babies keep coming... My sister-in-law in Tel Aviv, Israel, had a little boy yesterday, so Joe and I are an aunt and uncle for the second time.  We knew it was a boy.  He's a gorgeous little thing.  It was tinged with sadness though, given that my father-in-law isn't here to experience being a grandfather. 

I think that's the last of my friends and family to give birth, for now.  People tell us they hope we'll be next.  I hope so too, but hope feels like a luxury these days.  Sometimes I feel like my hope has been worn away like the rocks in a gorge. But if not for hope, how would we keep going through this long journey?  I still have it, even though it has been dulled by experience.

When hope is not enough to get me through I rely on research and practical action.  What can I do to prevent another miscarriage?  The simple answer is there is no fail-safe way to ensure it doesn't happen again.  But when something is so out of your control, sometimes the feeling that you are doing something is as important as actually doing something to affect the outcome.  Today's thought: try Co-enzyme Q10.  Apparently it is supposed to help with the way the egg fertilizes or something.  And it has other benefits for things like energy and cholesterol, so I figure, it can't hurt...

AF is almost over already.  It worries me that it has got so light.  If so little is being shed surely my lining can't be that good to start with...Guess I'll have to wait for the FS and ask how we test that...

In the meantime, I still hope.  I still daydream about my baby...what it will look like, what we will name it...but I keep these thoughts to myself now.  They are too fragile (and seem too cocky) to share with others...

~~~~~

[Andy, in a letter] Dear Red, If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Andy.