Yesterday DH and I went to an engagement party barbeque for my brother-in-law and future sister-in-law. There was a baby there. The baby is the child of one of B.I.L's friends. So of course I knew DH would go straight over to see the baby. It wasn't long before the mother handed the baby to DH and, as usually happens, the baby took to him straight away. As I watched DH's face light up and the baby interact with him, my eyes filled with tears. Dammit, I thought I was coping with this! DH saw me across the table, handed the baby back and pulled me aside to see if I was ok. He gave me hisusual line of "don't worry, we will get there."
A little while later I heard DH and the baby's mother talking. I heard her ask the dreaded question, "so when are you guys going to start a family?" I didn't catch DH's whole response, but my hearing was acute enough to pick up the phrase "...a sensitive subject".
I was thinking the other day about how I will cope with the next pregnancy. Given that we seem to have conceived sooner than the average all three times, one thing I am fairly confident about is that I will get pregnant again. The second and third times I remember trying not to think too far ahead and couching all discussions about the future with "all being well" or "if we get that far". The person I was talking to would always say, "Don't talk like that...you have to stay positive" or some similar phrase. Did they not understand that I was trying to shield myself from some of the pain of losing another one? Did what I was saying make them feel uncomfortable? Is it just something people say? Or do they think that "staying positive" (as opposed to my techniques of denial and distraction) will affect the outcome of the pregnancy or my response to the outcome? I'm not saying it won't...I genuinely don't know the answer.
27 February 2011
23 February 2011
It's the End of the World As We Know It...
WTF is going on?! Floods, bushfires, cyclones, earthquakes? And it's only February. My heart goes out to thr people of Christchurch. Just devastating!
And for us? Coming to the end of this so-called summer and looking to TTC again (for the 4th time). AF has come and gone. Much shorter/lighter than usual. I emailed the FS to see if this was something to worry about but she said it's just a normal variation. Still looking forward to Tassie. Hope nothing else happens down there in the meantime.
And for us? Coming to the end of this so-called summer and looking to TTC again (for the 4th time). AF has come and gone. Much shorter/lighter than usual. I emailed the FS to see if this was something to worry about but she said it's just a normal variation. Still looking forward to Tassie. Hope nothing else happens down there in the meantime.
13 February 2011
Groundhog Day
So the FS told us to "try again" for another 6 months and call her when I get a BFP, or get to 6 months of trying, whichever comes first. Shouldn't we be past this by now? I should either have a 14-month-old, a 6-month-old or be approximately 4 1/2 months pregnant but instead I feel like I'm in one of those board games where you get sent back to the start over and over. It seems that unlike most people, I only get to be pregnant for 2 weeks at a time.
I'm scared I won't be able to cope with another loss, or even before that that I won't be able to cope with that period of uncertainty before you find out if it's viable. But what choice do we have?
Anyway, AF should be here this time next week, and then it's back to temping, OPKs and HPTs (and trying to get DH in the mood at the right times). Hopefully one day soon I'll wake up and discover it's finally a different day.
I'm scared I won't be able to cope with another loss, or even before that that I won't be able to cope with that period of uncertainty before you find out if it's viable. But what choice do we have?
Anyway, AF should be here this time next week, and then it's back to temping, OPKs and HPTs (and trying to get DH in the mood at the right times). Hopefully one day soon I'll wake up and discover it's finally a different day.
11 February 2011
And now?
So, coeliac antibody test was negative. FS suggested I still see a gastroenterologist but I have been feeling a bit better with the 'no carbs at night' and no dairy that the naturopath recommended. Plus I still have to get in to see my GP. I try to see the same doctor but it's hard with work, unless I'm actually off work sick.
As far as trying to have a baby is concerned she suggested we just try for 6 months and call her after 6 months or when we get a BFP, whichever comes first. Trying to decide how I feel about this. It's hard to feel excited when you've been let down 3 times. Also the naturopath suggested we wait 6 weeks and it's only been 2, but by the time O comes around again it should be about 6 weeks. I said to DH we might end up making a Tassie baby. He said "ok, but we're not calling the child 'Hobart' or 'Launceston'." Hmm, funny but...pregnancy = baby? That's a novel concept? But I guess we've got to try to keep a sense of humour about it...
As far as trying to have a baby is concerned she suggested we just try for 6 months and call her after 6 months or when we get a BFP, whichever comes first. Trying to decide how I feel about this. It's hard to feel excited when you've been let down 3 times. Also the naturopath suggested we wait 6 weeks and it's only been 2, but by the time O comes around again it should be about 6 weeks. I said to DH we might end up making a Tassie baby. He said "ok, but we're not calling the child 'Hobart' or 'Launceston'." Hmm, funny but...pregnancy = baby? That's a novel concept? But I guess we've got to try to keep a sense of humour about it...
06 February 2011
Map of Tassie
Well our "rest and recovery" trip to Tasmania is booked: 7 nights spread between Hobart, Strahan, Cradle Mountain and the Tamar Valley from 10 March. We tossed up whether it was a good idea to spend the mone, given our impending indebtedness and other potential expenses, but decided that after what the last 2 months have thrown at us, we need this. Who knows? We might even make our "rainbow baby" over there...
Will be calling the specialist for coeliac antibody results on Tuesday. If they are positive I will have to go see a gastroenterologist (there really is no abbreviation for them, is there?) and book in for a gastroscopy and biopsy of my small intestine (that should be a fun day out...).
In the meantime I have been to a naturopath. Never thought I would go to one but she is also a pharmacist and was recommended by my scientist friend so I thought I should at least give it a go. She has put me on a "detox programme", which I am following most of: no potatoes, no dairy, no grapes, no bananas (won't be able to afford them after TC Yasi anyway), no carbs at night, no beef (haven't completely stuck to that one), no fruit juice and LOTS of salad! Never been a big salad eater so that one is tough. She wanted me to give up gluten but I said I wasn't going to do that until I know the results of the coeliac blood test as giving it up now will mean I can't get a conclusive diagnosis. So if my blood test result is negative, I will probably be giving up gluten from Tuesday (in case I'm gluten intolerant but not coeliac) and if it is positive I will probably be giving it up after the biopsy.
She also "prescribed" 3 different supplements, 2 of which I left at work on Friday. Oh well...I was supposed to have a Supreme Court trial starting next week that just settled on Friday and have been flat out at work, so not entirely surprised I forgot something. The supplements aren't cheap either! But I figure if they help me feel less bloated and more energetic (and possibly carry a baby to term) they'll be worth every cent.
Will be calling the specialist for coeliac antibody results on Tuesday. If they are positive I will have to go see a gastroenterologist (there really is no abbreviation for them, is there?) and book in for a gastroscopy and biopsy of my small intestine (that should be a fun day out...).
In the meantime I have been to a naturopath. Never thought I would go to one but she is also a pharmacist and was recommended by my scientist friend so I thought I should at least give it a go. She has put me on a "detox programme", which I am following most of: no potatoes, no dairy, no grapes, no bananas (won't be able to afford them after TC Yasi anyway), no carbs at night, no beef (haven't completely stuck to that one), no fruit juice and LOTS of salad! Never been a big salad eater so that one is tough. She wanted me to give up gluten but I said I wasn't going to do that until I know the results of the coeliac blood test as giving it up now will mean I can't get a conclusive diagnosis. So if my blood test result is negative, I will probably be giving up gluten from Tuesday (in case I'm gluten intolerant but not coeliac) and if it is positive I will probably be giving it up after the biopsy.
She also "prescribed" 3 different supplements, 2 of which I left at work on Friday. Oh well...I was supposed to have a Supreme Court trial starting next week that just settled on Friday and have been flat out at work, so not entirely surprised I forgot something. The supplements aren't cheap either! But I figure if they help me feel less bloated and more energetic (and possibly carry a baby to term) they'll be worth every cent.
26 January 2011
Incompatible with Life
Well we had our D&C follow-up appointment with the Fertility Specialist yesterday. Well we found out foetus had extra chromosome 16, which means it could not have been born alive, so that's a relief in one sense. It was a girl too. Am still having the coeliac test and we will decide what to do from there.
I think I'm a little relieved that it was a chromosomal problem, but not as much as I thought I would be. Maybe it's because there are still the previous 2 miscarriages for which we'll never have a definite answer. As for knowing the sex, I think it makes the loss more real, but knowing she could never have been born alive stops me fantasising about what she might have looked like etc. I still have no confidence that my body can do this - now I'm worrying about whether all my eggs are bad so really I think all I've done is changed which worry I'm focussing on.
I think I'm a little relieved that it was a chromosomal problem, but not as much as I thought I would be. Maybe it's because there are still the previous 2 miscarriages for which we'll never have a definite answer. As for knowing the sex, I think it makes the loss more real, but knowing she could never have been born alive stops me fantasising about what she might have looked like etc. I still have no confidence that my body can do this - now I'm worrying about whether all my eggs are bad so really I think all I've done is changed which worry I'm focussing on.
22 January 2011
Blame the bread?
Well I have a new theory about my recurrent miscarriages - and it's one that would never have occurred to me if my Mum hadn't mentioned it the other day. I may be coeliac/gluten intolerant.
I have had mild gastrointestinal symptoms (bloating, gas, sometimes upset stomach) since before we started TTC but I kind of stopped looking into it when I had my first m/c. Apparently there is a link. So I will be asking the FS to give me a referral for a blood test.
Strangely enough, the first internal ultrasound I ever had was because of the bloating; I'd read that it can be an early warning sign for ovarian cancer and freaked out. Well, my ovaries looked fine but they did find a couple of small fibroids. My GP said I could have further testing done (I think she suggested fructose intolerance - can't remember her mentioning gluten) but shortly after that I had my first m/c and my intermittent GI symptoms got pushed to the back of my mind while I started researching fibroids etc. If I do test positive it'll be a huge life change and I think I'll find it quite hard as I love food and eating out. But if it will make me feel healthier and help me carry a healthy baby to term I think it will be a small price to pay.
Sadly I've read that many GPs and even fertility specialists don't think to test for this, even though it's been known for a while that coeliac disease is associated with recurrent miscarriage. A lot of women apparently don't become symptomatic until their 40s or 50s by which time their reproductive years are over. :(
Anyway I still have to get tested first. If the testing is negative I'll have to decide whether I try a gluten free diet anyway, in case I've got some non-Coeliac form of gluten intolerance or just go back to trying again. If I do have to start a gluten free diet I hope it won't put off TTC again for too long. I feel like a broken record - I've been stuck in the same place for 2 years now.
Had my Vitamin D checked yesterday. I have had so many blood tests now I am starting to feel like a human tap! Apparently Coeliac Disease can cause that to be low as well (I always thought it was just living in Melbourne and working in an office all day) so if the result comes back low when we go see the FS on Tuesday it might have me more ammunition to ask for Coeliac screening.
The reason I haven't blogged for a while is that my father-in-law died suddenly the week before last. He was very overweight and had been in hospital for a few days last year with heart trouble, but he was doing cardiac rehab and we thought he was making progress. On the night of the 10th he apparently collapsed and couldn't be revived. Joe's sister Jamie (who's pregnant) had to fly back from Israel and his 2 half-sisters had to fly down from Brisbane amidst all the chaos of the floods. Joe is doing about as well as can be expected considering.
What has made it more stressful is that my mother-in-law wants to go back to the US. She has no money and while the kids (and kids-in-law) are prepared to pay for her ticket, she is in desperate need of psychiatric help before she goes and won't admit it. I'm hoping we find a way to make her see sense in the not-too-distant future.
I have had mild gastrointestinal symptoms (bloating, gas, sometimes upset stomach) since before we started TTC but I kind of stopped looking into it when I had my first m/c. Apparently there is a link. So I will be asking the FS to give me a referral for a blood test.
Strangely enough, the first internal ultrasound I ever had was because of the bloating; I'd read that it can be an early warning sign for ovarian cancer and freaked out. Well, my ovaries looked fine but they did find a couple of small fibroids. My GP said I could have further testing done (I think she suggested fructose intolerance - can't remember her mentioning gluten) but shortly after that I had my first m/c and my intermittent GI symptoms got pushed to the back of my mind while I started researching fibroids etc. If I do test positive it'll be a huge life change and I think I'll find it quite hard as I love food and eating out. But if it will make me feel healthier and help me carry a healthy baby to term I think it will be a small price to pay.
Sadly I've read that many GPs and even fertility specialists don't think to test for this, even though it's been known for a while that coeliac disease is associated with recurrent miscarriage. A lot of women apparently don't become symptomatic until their 40s or 50s by which time their reproductive years are over. :(
Anyway I still have to get tested first. If the testing is negative I'll have to decide whether I try a gluten free diet anyway, in case I've got some non-Coeliac form of gluten intolerance or just go back to trying again. If I do have to start a gluten free diet I hope it won't put off TTC again for too long. I feel like a broken record - I've been stuck in the same place for 2 years now.
Had my Vitamin D checked yesterday. I have had so many blood tests now I am starting to feel like a human tap! Apparently Coeliac Disease can cause that to be low as well (I always thought it was just living in Melbourne and working in an office all day) so if the result comes back low when we go see the FS on Tuesday it might have me more ammunition to ask for Coeliac screening.
The reason I haven't blogged for a while is that my father-in-law died suddenly the week before last. He was very overweight and had been in hospital for a few days last year with heart trouble, but he was doing cardiac rehab and we thought he was making progress. On the night of the 10th he apparently collapsed and couldn't be revived. Joe's sister Jamie (who's pregnant) had to fly back from Israel and his 2 half-sisters had to fly down from Brisbane amidst all the chaos of the floods. Joe is doing about as well as can be expected considering.
What has made it more stressful is that my mother-in-law wants to go back to the US. She has no money and while the kids (and kids-in-law) are prepared to pay for her ticket, she is in desperate need of psychiatric help before she goes and won't admit it. I'm hoping we find a way to make her see sense in the not-too-distant future.
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