I really hate this phrase ... and its friend "going forward". It's a management cliche of the worst kind. But it also happens to be the name of the moving company we're using and, I guess, a good motto for the next few weeks. So I'm trying to focus on the future: setting up our new home and hopefully filling that second bedroom.
Met up with some of the ladies from the baby forum I participate in, and their babies. They were lovely and I was having a good, "not-feeling-too-sorry-for-myself" day. Rest of the day has been pretty chilled: reading, a little afternoon snooze and some left over pizza for dinner. DH is at a car show in Wangaratta this weekend and I am enjoying the peace and quiet...no sport on TV!!! :)
26 March 2011
18 March 2011
Balm for the Soul
I know it's been a while since my last post but got quite distracted planning and then going on our holiday to Tasmania. We had a wonderful time and visiting places like Cradle Mountain and the Tamar Valley was, as someone wrote in a guest book, a "balm for the soul". It helps to remind me that there are beautiful things in the world that don't involve babies.
Did it make everything better? Of course not. And just to bring the point home AF arrived yesterday, a few days earlier than usual. Am feeling a bit like everyone else is a member of a club that won't admit me. I went with my sister and nephew for brunch. As tends to happen we ran into someone we knew with a toddler. There was the whole exchange, "Oh, is that your little one?" "How old is he?" "Oh, that's such a cute age. How old is yours?" And I just stand there like a spare wheel. I am sick of this bitter person I have become.
At least I have pictures (on my computer and in my mind) that I can use when I need a "happy place" to go to. For the moment that's the best I can do.
Did it make everything better? Of course not. And just to bring the point home AF arrived yesterday, a few days earlier than usual. Am feeling a bit like everyone else is a member of a club that won't admit me. I went with my sister and nephew for brunch. As tends to happen we ran into someone we knew with a toddler. There was the whole exchange, "Oh, is that your little one?" "How old is he?" "Oh, that's such a cute age. How old is yours?" And I just stand there like a spare wheel. I am sick of this bitter person I have become.
At least I have pictures (on my computer and in my mind) that I can use when I need a "happy place" to go to. For the moment that's the best I can do.
27 February 2011
On "staying positive"
Yesterday DH and I went to an engagement party barbeque for my brother-in-law and future sister-in-law. There was a baby there. The baby is the child of one of B.I.L's friends. So of course I knew DH would go straight over to see the baby. It wasn't long before the mother handed the baby to DH and, as usually happens, the baby took to him straight away. As I watched DH's face light up and the baby interact with him, my eyes filled with tears. Dammit, I thought I was coping with this! DH saw me across the table, handed the baby back and pulled me aside to see if I was ok. He gave me hisusual line of "don't worry, we will get there."
A little while later I heard DH and the baby's mother talking. I heard her ask the dreaded question, "so when are you guys going to start a family?" I didn't catch DH's whole response, but my hearing was acute enough to pick up the phrase "...a sensitive subject".
I was thinking the other day about how I will cope with the next pregnancy. Given that we seem to have conceived sooner than the average all three times, one thing I am fairly confident about is that I will get pregnant again. The second and third times I remember trying not to think too far ahead and couching all discussions about the future with "all being well" or "if we get that far". The person I was talking to would always say, "Don't talk like that...you have to stay positive" or some similar phrase. Did they not understand that I was trying to shield myself from some of the pain of losing another one? Did what I was saying make them feel uncomfortable? Is it just something people say? Or do they think that "staying positive" (as opposed to my techniques of denial and distraction) will affect the outcome of the pregnancy or my response to the outcome? I'm not saying it won't...I genuinely don't know the answer.
A little while later I heard DH and the baby's mother talking. I heard her ask the dreaded question, "so when are you guys going to start a family?" I didn't catch DH's whole response, but my hearing was acute enough to pick up the phrase "...a sensitive subject".
I was thinking the other day about how I will cope with the next pregnancy. Given that we seem to have conceived sooner than the average all three times, one thing I am fairly confident about is that I will get pregnant again. The second and third times I remember trying not to think too far ahead and couching all discussions about the future with "all being well" or "if we get that far". The person I was talking to would always say, "Don't talk like that...you have to stay positive" or some similar phrase. Did they not understand that I was trying to shield myself from some of the pain of losing another one? Did what I was saying make them feel uncomfortable? Is it just something people say? Or do they think that "staying positive" (as opposed to my techniques of denial and distraction) will affect the outcome of the pregnancy or my response to the outcome? I'm not saying it won't...I genuinely don't know the answer.
23 February 2011
It's the End of the World As We Know It...
WTF is going on?! Floods, bushfires, cyclones, earthquakes? And it's only February. My heart goes out to thr people of Christchurch. Just devastating!
And for us? Coming to the end of this so-called summer and looking to TTC again (for the 4th time). AF has come and gone. Much shorter/lighter than usual. I emailed the FS to see if this was something to worry about but she said it's just a normal variation. Still looking forward to Tassie. Hope nothing else happens down there in the meantime.
And for us? Coming to the end of this so-called summer and looking to TTC again (for the 4th time). AF has come and gone. Much shorter/lighter than usual. I emailed the FS to see if this was something to worry about but she said it's just a normal variation. Still looking forward to Tassie. Hope nothing else happens down there in the meantime.
13 February 2011
Groundhog Day
So the FS told us to "try again" for another 6 months and call her when I get a BFP, or get to 6 months of trying, whichever comes first. Shouldn't we be past this by now? I should either have a 14-month-old, a 6-month-old or be approximately 4 1/2 months pregnant but instead I feel like I'm in one of those board games where you get sent back to the start over and over. It seems that unlike most people, I only get to be pregnant for 2 weeks at a time.
I'm scared I won't be able to cope with another loss, or even before that that I won't be able to cope with that period of uncertainty before you find out if it's viable. But what choice do we have?
Anyway, AF should be here this time next week, and then it's back to temping, OPKs and HPTs (and trying to get DH in the mood at the right times). Hopefully one day soon I'll wake up and discover it's finally a different day.
I'm scared I won't be able to cope with another loss, or even before that that I won't be able to cope with that period of uncertainty before you find out if it's viable. But what choice do we have?
Anyway, AF should be here this time next week, and then it's back to temping, OPKs and HPTs (and trying to get DH in the mood at the right times). Hopefully one day soon I'll wake up and discover it's finally a different day.
11 February 2011
And now?
So, coeliac antibody test was negative. FS suggested I still see a gastroenterologist but I have been feeling a bit better with the 'no carbs at night' and no dairy that the naturopath recommended. Plus I still have to get in to see my GP. I try to see the same doctor but it's hard with work, unless I'm actually off work sick.
As far as trying to have a baby is concerned she suggested we just try for 6 months and call her after 6 months or when we get a BFP, whichever comes first. Trying to decide how I feel about this. It's hard to feel excited when you've been let down 3 times. Also the naturopath suggested we wait 6 weeks and it's only been 2, but by the time O comes around again it should be about 6 weeks. I said to DH we might end up making a Tassie baby. He said "ok, but we're not calling the child 'Hobart' or 'Launceston'." Hmm, funny but...pregnancy = baby? That's a novel concept? But I guess we've got to try to keep a sense of humour about it...
As far as trying to have a baby is concerned she suggested we just try for 6 months and call her after 6 months or when we get a BFP, whichever comes first. Trying to decide how I feel about this. It's hard to feel excited when you've been let down 3 times. Also the naturopath suggested we wait 6 weeks and it's only been 2, but by the time O comes around again it should be about 6 weeks. I said to DH we might end up making a Tassie baby. He said "ok, but we're not calling the child 'Hobart' or 'Launceston'." Hmm, funny but...pregnancy = baby? That's a novel concept? But I guess we've got to try to keep a sense of humour about it...
06 February 2011
Map of Tassie
Well our "rest and recovery" trip to Tasmania is booked: 7 nights spread between Hobart, Strahan, Cradle Mountain and the Tamar Valley from 10 March. We tossed up whether it was a good idea to spend the mone, given our impending indebtedness and other potential expenses, but decided that after what the last 2 months have thrown at us, we need this. Who knows? We might even make our "rainbow baby" over there...
Will be calling the specialist for coeliac antibody results on Tuesday. If they are positive I will have to go see a gastroenterologist (there really is no abbreviation for them, is there?) and book in for a gastroscopy and biopsy of my small intestine (that should be a fun day out...).
In the meantime I have been to a naturopath. Never thought I would go to one but she is also a pharmacist and was recommended by my scientist friend so I thought I should at least give it a go. She has put me on a "detox programme", which I am following most of: no potatoes, no dairy, no grapes, no bananas (won't be able to afford them after TC Yasi anyway), no carbs at night, no beef (haven't completely stuck to that one), no fruit juice and LOTS of salad! Never been a big salad eater so that one is tough. She wanted me to give up gluten but I said I wasn't going to do that until I know the results of the coeliac blood test as giving it up now will mean I can't get a conclusive diagnosis. So if my blood test result is negative, I will probably be giving up gluten from Tuesday (in case I'm gluten intolerant but not coeliac) and if it is positive I will probably be giving it up after the biopsy.
She also "prescribed" 3 different supplements, 2 of which I left at work on Friday. Oh well...I was supposed to have a Supreme Court trial starting next week that just settled on Friday and have been flat out at work, so not entirely surprised I forgot something. The supplements aren't cheap either! But I figure if they help me feel less bloated and more energetic (and possibly carry a baby to term) they'll be worth every cent.
Will be calling the specialist for coeliac antibody results on Tuesday. If they are positive I will have to go see a gastroenterologist (there really is no abbreviation for them, is there?) and book in for a gastroscopy and biopsy of my small intestine (that should be a fun day out...).
In the meantime I have been to a naturopath. Never thought I would go to one but she is also a pharmacist and was recommended by my scientist friend so I thought I should at least give it a go. She has put me on a "detox programme", which I am following most of: no potatoes, no dairy, no grapes, no bananas (won't be able to afford them after TC Yasi anyway), no carbs at night, no beef (haven't completely stuck to that one), no fruit juice and LOTS of salad! Never been a big salad eater so that one is tough. She wanted me to give up gluten but I said I wasn't going to do that until I know the results of the coeliac blood test as giving it up now will mean I can't get a conclusive diagnosis. So if my blood test result is negative, I will probably be giving up gluten from Tuesday (in case I'm gluten intolerant but not coeliac) and if it is positive I will probably be giving it up after the biopsy.
She also "prescribed" 3 different supplements, 2 of which I left at work on Friday. Oh well...I was supposed to have a Supreme Court trial starting next week that just settled on Friday and have been flat out at work, so not entirely surprised I forgot something. The supplements aren't cheap either! But I figure if they help me feel less bloated and more energetic (and possibly carry a baby to term) they'll be worth every cent.
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