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22 May 2011

Please excuse the break in transmission

Can't believe there have been almost 2 months since my last post.  Whoops!  But I have some excuse.  We moved into our own home (yay) and between the commotion and not having an internet connection for several weeks (and work being pretty full on) the blogging has fallen by the wayside.

Unfortunately not much has happened from the TTC point of view.  Not that we haven't been trying...But my body just doesn't seem to be cooperating this time.  To make life more interesting my body has thrown me some curve balls -  my cycles have got a bit shorter, AF a bit lighter and I've started getting unpleasant symptoms in the lead-up to AF.  A few days before I've beein getting mild cramping sensations in my uterus (a bit like I had when I was pregnant, so of course I start getting my hopes up).  Then I start feeling like something is irritating my bladder mainly on the left side, so I feel like I need to pee all the time, even though there's not much there.  Then I start feeling pressure on either side of my pelvis.  Last cycle this actually lasted a couple of days into AF.  Today the bladder irritation is back and I'm only CD10!  Anyway I have booked in for another pelvic ultrasound (aka dildo-cam) on Wednesday so hopefully I'll get an answer.  At the moment I am thinking either more fibroids (since I have 'form' in that department) or endometriosis.  If it's endo, I'll probably need a laparascopy to confirm it but I'm thinking if the ultrasound doesn't reveal anything I might ask for a lap anyway.  I'm way past messing around and 'seeing how I go'.  I'm way past being patient.

Emotionally it's been (and still is) a very hard time.  I knew it would be...Everyone seems to be having, or be about to have, babies.  And I'm really happy for them, and doing so much better than I was 6 months ago.  But I'm sick of feeling bad and then feeling guilty about feeling bad for the same reason over and over again.  I'm actually starting to bore MYSELF!

Last night we were supposed to babysit my nephew while my sister and brother-in-law went to the musical, "Rock of Ages".  Well my nephew got sick so we ended up taking the tickets.  The show was great - I really enjoyed it, as did Joe.  But at the end of the night I thought, I'd rather be home with a baby.  My question is: is this my life now?  Am I not going to experience unmitigated enjoyment of what I have because of what I don't have?

I sometimes wish I'd been unable to least then we would have people monitoring the whole process and I wouldn't feel quite as much like the past 2 1/2 years (almost) had been a waste of time.  The fact is that I'm just as childless as someone who hadn't been able to conceive for 2 1/2 years, but they would have been getting more intensive help by now.  I'm probably completely misguided and I'm not trying to minimise the difficulties involved in fertility meds, IUI and IVF...I just feel like I'm floundering.  I always say to myself, "you have to be an advocate for yourself" so I'm thinking that the next step after another ultrasound and a lap is to ask for a monitored cycle.  At least that will feel like doing something...

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