So the scan is tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit sick about it. Every loss has taken something from me...a little bit of my optimism I think. I'm worried that if it's bad news tomorrow I'm going to have to pull myself off the floor again. I'm worried that this is going to affect my ability to do my job, go out and socialise, be happy for other people...Sounds like my priorities are a bit messed up, I guess. But it's all part of self-preservation and reminding myself I'll be ok no matter what.
I realised I hadn't updated on the BT results last Monday. HCG was 1406 and progesterone was in the 80s. So the pessaries are definitely doing something. I guess I'm one of those people whose HCG doubles every 3rd day rather than every 2nd.
Anyway, I'm hanging in there. Send me any positive vibes, prayers etc. I can use all the help I can get.
Showing posts with label scan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scan. Show all posts
25 July 2011
28 June 2011
Offspring
"I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat."
Last night's 'Offspring' was a little close to home (well, apart from the donor sperm from gay brother-in-law aspect ;)). Hearing those words took me back almost 7 months to my scan. It was hard to hear, even though I kind of guessed that's what the screenwriters had in store. Billie, the pregnant character, was just a little too cocky about the pregnancy. She still had the whole "positive pregnancy test = baby" innocence and kept talking about "when the baby is here" and "where the baby will sleep" and touching her tummy even though she didn't have a bump yet. You could tell she was about to be brought back to earth with a thud.
Was I ever that innocent? It's hard to say,since my head was so screwed up when I first got pregnant. I certainly knew that miscarriage was possible, although I never envisaged having 3. This journey has been so much longer and harder than anything I could have anticipated...and it's still going. I hope I never have to hear those words again...
Offspring
Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And was away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Last night's 'Offspring' was a little close to home (well, apart from the donor sperm from gay brother-in-law aspect ;)). Hearing those words took me back almost 7 months to my scan. It was hard to hear, even though I kind of guessed that's what the screenwriters had in store. Billie, the pregnant character, was just a little too cocky about the pregnancy. She still had the whole "positive pregnancy test = baby" innocence and kept talking about "when the baby is here" and "where the baby will sleep" and touching her tummy even though she didn't have a bump yet. You could tell she was about to be brought back to earth with a thud.
Was I ever that innocent? It's hard to say,since my head was so screwed up when I first got pregnant. I certainly knew that miscarriage was possible, although I never envisaged having 3. This journey has been so much longer and harder than anything I could have anticipated...and it's still going. I hope I never have to hear those words again...
Offspring
Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And was away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
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